Lifestyle

Oftentimes letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want the universe to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

And that’s what this short article is all about – realizing your worth, and harnessing this realization to identify the negative ideas, habits, and people in your life that you need to let go of.  Here are some points to consider:

1. The past can steal your present if you let it. – You can spend days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in the darkness, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have or should have happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor behind you and walk outside into the sunlight to get some fresh air.
2. Not everyone, and not everything, is meant to stay. – There are things you don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and people you can’t live without but have to let go.  Some circumstances and people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them.  Read The Language of Letting Go.
3. Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. – Imagine all the wondrous things your mind might embrace if it weren’t wrapped so tightly around your struggles.  Always look at what you have, instead of what you have lost.  Because it’s not what the world takes away from you that counts; it’s what you do with what you have left.
4. Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.
5. You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.
6. What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa. – Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
7. Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are. – Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be someone out there who hates apples.
8. Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth. – When there is breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.
9. The world changes when you change. – Practice really seeing whatever it is you’re looking at.  You are today where your thoughts and perceptions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and perceptions take you.  If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind.  The world around you changes when you change.
10. You can make decisions, or you can make excuses. – Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving.  A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it.  Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
11. It usually takes just a few negative remarks to kill a person’s dream. – Don’t kill people’s dreams with negative words, and don’t put up with those who do.  Don’t let people interrupt you and tell you that you can’t do something.  If you have a dream that you’re passionate about, you must protect it.  When others can’t do something themselves, they’re going to tell you that you can’t do it either; and that’s a lie.  These people are simply speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations.
12. Sometimes walking away is the only way to win. – Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This needless nonsense is not worth my time.”

Photo by: Lumatic

The best relationships are the best not because they have always been the happiest, but because they have stayed strong through the mightiest of storms.

Over the years, through our coaching practice and premium course, Marc and I have worked with thousands of individuals and couples looking to fix their failing relationships, and we’ve learned a lot about what it takes to make this happen.

Whether you’re working to fix your marriage, a dating relationship, or a friendship, there are lots of little things you can do to keep your relationship on track.  And since we’ve recently covered many of these healthy relationship strategies here and here, today I want to take a quick look at the flipside – the most common toxic behaviors that tear relationships apart.

To start, I can honestly say that Marc and I can listen to a couple talk for 30 minutes and determine, with close to 90% accuracy, whether they’re relationship will last in the long run (without major changes being made).  The reason we can do this is simple: Most failing/failed relationships suffer from the same four basic behavioral issues…

1. Condemnation of a person’s character – Complaints are fine.  Disagreements are fine too.  These are natural, focused reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior.  But when complaints and disagreements snowball into global attacks on the person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble.  For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they forgot, but because they’re a horrible, wretched human being.”
2. Hateful gestures – Frequent name-calling, threats, eye-rolling, belittling, mockery, hostile teasing, etc…  In whatever form, gestures like these are poisonous to a relationship because they convey hate.  And it’s virtually impossible to resolve a relationship problem when the other person is constantly getting the message that you hate them.
3. Denying responsibility – When you deny responsibility in every relationship dispute, all you’re really doing is blaming your partner.  You’re saying, in effect, “The problem is never me, it’s always you.”  This denial of responsibility just escalates the argument, because there’s a complete breakdown of communication.  (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
4. The silent treatment – Tuning out, ignoring, disengaging, refusing to acknowledge, etc…  All variations of the silent treatment don’t just remove the other person from the argument you’re having with them, it ends up removing them, emotionally, from the relationship you have with them.

The key thing to remember is…

Differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy relationships – it’s how a couple deals with their inevitable differences that counts.

Couples waste years trying to change each other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, personality, or values.  By fighting over these deep seeded differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground.

So how do people in healthy relationships deal with issues that can’t be resolved?

They accept one another as is.  These couples understand that problems are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, in the same way chronic physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser.  These problems are like a weak knee or a bad back – we may not want these problems, but we’re able to cope with them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and to develop strategies that help us deal with them.  Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years.”

Bottom line: Acceptance of one another is of vital importance to every couple.

What else makes a relationship flourish in the long run?

Again, Marc and I have written a lot about this already.  But I want to give you a slightly different perspective by eliminating the details and narrowing it down to four key fundamentals:

• Truly knowing each other is vital. – Healthy couples are intimately familiar with each other’s evolving stories.  These couples make plenty of emotional room for their relationship, which means they sincerely listen to each other, they remember the major events each other have been through, and they keep up-to-date as the facts and feelings of their partner’s reality changes.  The key thing to remember is that nothing you can give is more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention – your full presence.  Being with your partner, listening without a clock and without anticipation of the next event is the ultimate compliment.  It is indeed the most valued gesture you can make to them, and it arms you with the information you need to truly know them and support them in the long run.
• Relationship issues must be worked out with each other, not others. – This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning:  NEVER post negatively about a loved one on social media.  Fourteen-year-old school kids post negatively about their boyfriends, girlfriends and friends on social media.  It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.  Don’t fall into the trap of getting others on your side, because healthy relationships only have one side.  Furthermore, relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.  So don’t let outsiders run your relationship for you.  If you’re having a relationship issue with your partner, work it out with THEM and no one else.  (Marc and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
• Using positive language in arguments saves lots of grief. – Relationships flourish when both people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive way.  One effective method of doing this during an argument is to do your best to avoid using the word “you” and try to use the word “I” instead.  This makes it much easier to express feelings and much harder to inadvertently attack the other person.  So… Instead of saying, “You are wrong,” try saying, “I don’t understand.”  Instead of telling them, “You always…” try saying “I often feel…”  It’s a subtle shift that can make a dig difference.
• A mutual willingness to make sacrifices must be present. – Intimate bonds are tied with true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort, and being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them, continuously, in countless petty little unsexy ways, every day.  You put your arms around them and love them regardless, even when they’re not very lovable.  And of course they do the same for you.  If you want to know what a healthy relationship is, it’s one where two people wake up every morning and say, “This is worth it.  You all are worth it.  I am happy you are in my life.”  It’s about sacrifice.  It’s about knowing that some days you will have to do things you dislike to make the one you love smile, and feeling perfectly delighted to do so.

Afterthoughts

The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end.  And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day through your actions and behaviors.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What toxic relationship behaviors and circumstances do you try to avoid?  How do you cope?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

Photo by: Fabio Astone

You don’t have to settle, it’s simply a choice you make every day.  If you feel like you’re running in place there’s a good chance you’re tolerating things you shouldn’t be.  It’s time to reclaim your life.

Starting now, stop tolerating…

1. People who bring you down. – Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.
2. A work environment or career field you hate. – Don’t settle on the first or second career field you dabble in.  Keep searching.  Eventually you will find work you love to do.  If you catch yourself working hard and loving every minute of it, don’t stop.  You’re on to something big.  Because hard work ain’t hard when you concentrate on your passions.
3. Your own negativity. – Be aware of your mental self-talk.  We all talk silently to ourselves in our heads, but we aren’t always conscious of what we’re saying or how it’s affecting us.  Start listening to your thoughts.  If you hear negative thoughts, stop and replace them with positive thoughts.
4. Unnecessary miscommunication. – Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  Speak clearly.  Ask questions.  Clarify things until you understand them.
5. A disorganized living and working space. – Clear the clutter.  Get rid of stuff you don’t use.  Read David Allen’s book Getting Things Done for some practical organizational guidance.
6. Your own tardiness. – Get up 30 minutes earlier so you don’t have to rush around like a mad man.  That 30 minutes will help you avoid speeding tickets, tardiness and other unnecessary headaches.
7. Pressure to fit in with the crowd. – Oftentimes, the only reason others want you to fit in is that once you do they can ignore you and go about their business.  Don’t conform.  Be you, because that’s the only person you can be.
8. An unhealthy body. – Your health is your life.  Don’t let it go.  Eat right, exercise and get an annual physical check-up.  The 4-Hour Body is an insightful and entertaining read on this topic.
9. Fear of change. – Life is change.  Every day is different.  Every day is a new beginning and a new ending.  Embrace it and make the best of it.
10. All work and no play. – Enjoy yourself and have a little fun while you can.  If you’re smiling, you’re doing something right.
11. People or beauty ads that make you feel inadequate. – Good looks attracts the eyes.  Personality attracts the heart.  Be proud to be you.  You are already beautiful.
12. Not getting enough sleep. – A tired mind is rarely productive.
13. Doing the same exact thing over and over again. – You are the sum of your life experiences.  The more you experience, the more interesting your life story gets.
14. Personal greed. – Don’t let greed and deceit get the best of you.  Greed will bury even the lucky eventually.
15. A mounting pile of debt. – Always live well below your means.  Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Always sleep on big purchases.  Create a budget and savings plan and stick to them.  Read I Will Teach You To Be Rich.
16. Dishonesty. – Living a life of honesty creates peace of mind, and peace of mind is priceless.  Period.  Don’t be dishonest and don’t put up with people who are.
17. Infidelity. – Intimate relationships are a sacred bond – a circle of trust.  If both parties aren’t 100% onboard the relationship isn’t worth fighting for.
18. An unsafe home. – If you don’t feel safe at home you’ll never feel safe anywhere.  Build a loving household in a safe area that you are proud to call ‘home.’
19. Being unprepared. – Life is unpredictable.  And there’s a big difference between being scared and being prepared.  Always be prepared.
20. Inaction. – Either you’re going to take action and seize new opportunities or someone else will.  You can’t change anything or make any sort of progress by sitting back and thinking about it.

And remember, you only live once, but if you live it right once is enough.

Photo by: Anna Gay

“I’ve got nothing to do today but smile.”
?Paul Simon

This past holiday season Angel and I stayed at a hotel near her parent’s house in South Florida.  On Christmas Eve we met a family of six who were staying at the same hotel.  We saw them relaxing in the lobby by the Christmas tree, sharing stories and laughing.  So on our way out, Angel and I wished them a happy holiday season and asked them where they were from.  “Oh, we’re from here,” the mother said.  “Our house burned down to the ground yesterday, but miraculously, all of us made it out safely.  And that makes this a very merry Christmas.”

Her words and her family’s optimistic attitude made me smile.  They reminded me that the most fulfilling moments in life come when we finally find the courage to let go of what we can’t change.  And that when life gives us every reason to be negative, we must think of one good reason to be positive, because there’s always something worth smiling about.

Truth be told, when people are perpetually unhappy it’s often because they are searching for happiness in the wrong places.  They look for it…

1.  In the fantasy of an easy life.

Life is tough, but you are tougher.  Pain makes you stronger.  Facing fear makes you braver.  Mistakes and heartbreak make you wiser.   Sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.

Your journey isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be worth it.  To never struggle is to never grow.  It doesn’t matter what’s happened or what you’ve done; what matters is what you choose to do from here.  Accept the circumstances, learn from them, and move on.  Letting go is often a step forward.  Sometimes you have to walk away from what you thought you wanted to find what you truly need and deserve.

2.  In a past that no longer exists.

You are changing.  The universe around you is changing.  Just because something was right for you in the past doesn’t mean it still is.  This could be a relationship, a job, a home, a habit, etc.  Giving things up doesn’t always mean you’re weak; it may simply mean you’re strong enough and smart enough to let go of the old to make way for the new.  Don’t stress about the closed doors behind you.  New doors are opening every moment and you will see them if you keep moving forward.

As the Dalai Lama once said, “A new way of thinking has become the necessary condition for responsible living and acting.  If we maintain obsolete values and beliefs, a fragmented consciousness and self-centered spirit, we will continue to hold onto outdated goals and behaviors.” (Read Buddha’s Brain.)

3.  In a future that isn’t guaranteed.

Too often we spend our energy stuck in the maze of life, thinking about how we’ll escape one day, and how amazing it will be.  And imagining a future like this keeps us going, or so it seems.  But we never escape.  We simply use thoughts of the future to escape the present, over and over again, until we’ve reached the end of our lives without ever having truly lived.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The future depends on what you do today.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  Do something today!  You can’t stop the future.  You can’t rewind the past.  The only way to live is to press play.  Go ahead and press play!  The clock is ticking – the hours are going by.  The past increases and the future recedes, possibilities decreasing and regrets mounting… but only if you hesitate to accept and enjoy your life right now while you’re living it.

4.  In their own excuses for procrastinating.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop saying “I wish,” start saying “I will,” and then go do something about it.  The world isn’t going to dominate itself.  You just have to wake up one morning and decide that you don’t want to feel like this anymore, ever again.  And then make a change, just like that.

In all walks of life, luck happens when preparation meets opportunity.  And opportunity dances only with those who are already on the dance floor.

If something doesn’t have space in your day, it probably won’t happen in your life.  Knowing isn’t enough; you must apply.  Willing isn’t enough; you must DO.  If all you can do right now is a little bit, do it.  Those little bits will add up quickly.  Value that is built over time, in small increments, tends to be value that also lasts for a long time.  Doing something, even if it is just a little bit, is infinitely more productive than doing nothing.

5.  In their super comfy comfort zone.

You may feel comfortable bobbing around in the little lake that you’re used to, but if you don’t stretch your comfort zone and venture out into the adjoining waterways, you’ll never discover the beauty and immensity of the ocean – you will never even know it exists.  Holding on to what’s comfortable may be the very reason you often feel like something is missing in your life.

Remember, just because you venture out into the world doesn’t mean you can’t return home whenever you want to.  It’s okay to come back to where you started, but it’s NOT OKAY to never leave.  (Read Start: Punch Fear in the Face.)

6.  In material possessions they don’t need.

You can never, ever get enough of what you do NOT need to make you happy.  Think about it.  It’s nice to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s also important to make sure you haven’t lost track of the priceless things money can’t buy.  You don’t need a lot of money to lead a rich life.  Good friends and a loving family are worth their weight in gold.  It really is the little things that mean the most… like a long hug at just the right time.

Instead of focusing so intently on what you want to get, consider the things you can let go of.  Eliminate some excess baggage, lighten your load and feel a weight lifted.  So many of the things you think you need you do not need at all, you simply want them.  And as your wants diminish, your freedom and abundance grow.  Challenge your impulses, and free yourself of needless needs.

7.  In waaaay too much of one good thing.

As Oscar Wilde once said, “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

Eating too much makes you obese.  Spending too much money makes you broke.  Working too much leaves your family at home missing you.  Playing too much leaves important work undone…  and so on and so forth.

Happiness depends on the proper distribution of applying your positive resources consciously to the hungry deficits in your life.  All details aside, the important thing to remember is this:  Long-term happiness is never found in one good thing; it is a combination, it is a balanced lifestyle.

8.  In the wrong relationships.

Know that it’s less important to have more relationships and more important to have quality ones.  Spend time with people who make you better.  Surround yourself with those who are going to lift you higher.  You will only ever be as great as the people you surround yourself with, so be brave enough to let go of those who keep bringing you down.  Find people who respect you as much as you respect them.  Nurture your relationships only with those who are happy and proud to have you in their lives.

You deserve it.  Don’t settle.

9.  In the endorsements of those who don’t matter.

Keep up your dignity and always be true to yourself.  You can’t let other people tell you who you are.  You have to decide that for yourself.

There will always be people who don’t approve of you – the way you look, the way you talk, the things you care about, the styles you like, the music you listen to, etc.  But the truth is these people’s opinions don’t matter one bit.  It’s up to you if you let them ruin your day, or if you decide to stand up for yourself and accept yourself just the way you are.  Just be sincere and do your best.  And if it’s not good enough for someone, it will surely be for someone else.  You’re not here to please everyone.  Be nice, be yourself, and the right people will eventually find you.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

10.  In the blame game.

Sigmund Freud once said, “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”  Don’t let this be you.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you surrender full power over that part of your life.

In reality, the price of happiness and greatness IS responsibility.  And no one else is responsible for you.  You are in full control of your life so long as you claim it and own it.  Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the public education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself.  Right?  It’s never, ever your fault… WRONG!  It’s always your fault, because if you want to change – if you want to grow and move on with your life – the only person who can make it happen is YOU.

The floor is yours…

When it comes to finding happiness, where do some people make a wrong turn?  Where else can happiness NOT be found?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Noukka Signe